Helpline launched for people who discover family & friends watch Love Island

The government has established a free helpline for people that find out their closest friends and relatives are watching Love Island.

Love Island 2018

“If I was an emoji, I’d be the Collapse of Western Civilisation.”

The ITV reality show — in which facile representations of the human condition attempt to copulate on television in order to boost their social media ‘brands’ — has already affected millions of people, with unsuspecting members of the British public being subjected to inane conversations about ‘whether or not Samira is going to get with Niall after the recoupling’, as well as being asked ‘can you believe what Hayley said about Dani last night in the beach hut?’

“It’s really important for people to feel as though they fit in with their family and peer groups,” said Dr Robert Vicars, a Professor of Human Beings & Geese at the University of Hull.

“It can therefore be an acute psychological trauma to discover that not only do you have much less in common with your social circles than you thought, but that they actively enjoy consuming television that is the intellectual equivalent of ingesting a gallon of battery acid.”

Chloe Mayo, a collector of rare beards who exclusively watches BBC 4 documentaries about renaissance-era poets and ancient Roman coinage, said: “During the Brexit referendum an old school friend of mine posted a Facebook update talking about how important it was for us to ‘take back control of our borders’ and that ‘Britain should be for the British’, which was pretty disappointing really.

“But then earlier this week she shared a selfie with the caption: ‘Can’t wait for tonight’s Love Island’.

“I just replied with ‘Eat a bag of dicks’ and unfriended her. I can’t believe someone I used to know so well would hold those opinions.”

Helpline operators will also be offering support to people whose loved ones like Mrs Browns’s Boys, think Made in Chelsea is aspirational or have Don’t Tell the Bride on series-link.


Think Outside the News: Michael Bay to direct 3D Super Ted reboot

Continuing his efforts to rape your childhood and impregnate it with misogyny and explosions, Michael Bay is to shoot a big screen re-imagining of Super Ted, Think Outside the News can exclusively reveal.

Following the success of the Transformers franchise and the recent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot, both of which managed to turn cherished childhood memories into nothing but vapid amoral husks, Bay is hoping to do the same with Britain’s favourite super hero teddy bear.

Super Ted logo

Kids’ animation Super Ted – having its soul removed and replaced by product placement and tits.

It is anticipated that the plot will see Super Ted and his alien sidekick Spotty trying to thwart an attack on the Victoria Secret catwalk show by an alien race of fire-breathing robot dinosaurs, lizards, or possibly a combination of the two.

“What I think I like most about Michael Bay’s movies is that they don’t bother trying to engage with you on any sort of emotional or intellectual level,” said Rob Vicars, who isn’t anyone in particular.

“The baddies are bad, the goodies are good and the women are nothing more than hyper-sexualised window dressing. It’s how cinema would be if it was produced by Zoo or Nuts magazine, which happen to be my favourite books.”

“Fnnnnaaaaaaraaghh”, spluttered Bay incoherently while he banged a plastic bucket with a wooden spoon.

It has been rumoured that Michael Bay will also be helming the forthcoming ‘In the Night Garden: Clusterfuck of Revenge’.

Think Outside the News: ITV to launch channel aimed exclusively at black people

Fresh from the news that ITV is to launch a television channel aimed at younger women and ‘housewives with children’, the network has announced that it will also be launching a channel targeted specifically at the black community.

ITVBro will screen repeats of The Montel Williams Show, Wayan Brothers movies at the weekends and a Coronation Street spin-off, Coronation Street. The channel will air during the day – when it is presumed black people are at home – until 7p.m., by which time the network expect them all to be “out roaming the streets, intimidating white people and robbing from houses.”

ITVBe & ITVBro - Because they know what's best for you

ITVBe & ITVBro – Because they know what’s best for you

“It’s really important that we stay relevant to all different walks of life and ethnicities, and for us, this means segregating different demographics into clearly defined boxes” said Peter Fincham, ITV’s Director of Television.

“We’re proud of our continuing work towards gender and racial equality, and we feel that  ITVBe is a big step forward for women in television, and that ITVBro will be an equally important step forward for Coloureds.”

The network are hoping that with the introduction of the new channels catering for lower class and ethnic people, they will be able to focus ITV1’s output on white, middle-class people.

“I really enjoy settling down on a Sunday evening for a bit of Mr. Selfridge or Downton Abbey with a cup of tea and a scone,” said Angela Fotherington, a cheeseboard arranger from Tunbridge Wells.

“I’m not racist, but I’d just really prefer not to see adverts for Trevor Nelson compilation albums or Reggae Reggae Sauce when I’m trying to eat.”

However ITV’s Chief Executive Adam Crozier insisted that viewers would continue to see black people on ITV’s main channels.

“We of course want to continue to use black actors in our ITV1 programming,” said Crozier.

“After all, who else is going to play housekeepers, drug dealers or illegal immigrants?”


Think Outside the News: Katie Hopkins is an ironic modern art installation

Katie Hopkins, the former Apprentice contestant-turned television personality who caused a Twitter outrage after commenting on the life expectancy of Scots in the wake of the Glasgow helicopter crash, is actually a modern art installation come-to-life, it has been revealed.

Casey Jenkins, the artist who also knits scarves using wool she inserts into her own vagina, explained that Katie Hopkins was originally meant as a comment on the judgement-espousing and bile-spewing media commentators who have become commonplace in the UK.

Katie Hopkins: Hates you and your fat kids.

Katie Hopkins: Hates you and your fat kids.

“I created Katie out of a collection of my used tampons fused together with dog excrement,” explained Ms. Jenkins.

“Unfortunately it somehow formed a consciousness and got itself on the telly. To be honest I’m now a bit worried that my vagina scarves are going to transform into homophobic, racist snake people.”

Since Katie Hopkins Tweeted her joke about how Scottish people die younger than the richer, slimmer English people, a petition was started to get her dropped from ITV’s This Morning and Channel 5’s The Wright Stuff.

“I’m a bit torn over the whole thing actually,” said Tom McShane, a man, from Rugby.

“I believe people should have the right to say what they want even if it does offend others.

“But on the other hand, she is an absolute cunt.”


Think Outside the News: Nigella drug-use allegations shocks literally dozens of people

Allegations that a wealthy, upper-class celebrity like Nigella Lawson took drugs including cocaine and cannabis has shocked almost nobody.

Ms. Lawson’s former husband Charles Saatchi made the claims in an e-mail that was read out in court during the trial of two of the couple’s former aids, although the revelations have been greeted with a “well no-fucking shit” by the majority of the public.

Nigella Lawson at a Borders book-signing

The celebrity chef is currently preparing for her new show, ‘Nigella’s LSD Kitchen Nightmares’.

“To be honest I spend every spare penny I have on weed and pills so I’m not surprised someone with a fortune of £15 million is on it every day,” said Rob Vicars, an Acid House DJ from London.

“After a heavy session I regularly end up in the kitchen rustling up some pastry while tripping my tits off. Admittedly I usually just end up gnawing on a chair leg, but pastry is fucking hard to get right.”

However, research conducted by the Tunbridge Wells Parish Newsletter revealed many people were outraged by the news.

“I’m astonished that a lady of her standing would do such things,” said Margaret Hymen-Hall, a 63-year old china plate enthusiast. “I thought drug taking was the indulgence of the poor or brown people – not the daughter of a former Chancellor of the Exchequer.

“It’s something I might expect from Jamie Oliver but not Nigella.”

The entire working population of London’s financial district were reported to be whistling and looking at the sky.


Think Outside the News: Desire to “become Spider-Man” blamed on recent False Widow attacks

British people are purposefully seeking out false widow spiders so that they will bite them and imbue them with super powers, it has been revealed.

There have been numerous media reports of the spiders – who bare a close resemblance to the deadly black widow – biting unsuspecting members of the public who are just going about their business, but the victims have admitted that they deliberately aggravated the arachnids in a bid to become Spider-Man.

Anaphylactic shock: not a super power.

Anaphylactic shock: not a super power.

“I’ve been mocked all my life for my unusual name and the fact that it makes me sound like a shit super-hero. I just thought that if I could scale walls and swing around people would see me differently,” said Barry Beardman, 32 from Coventry

However, scientists have advised people against allowing the false widows to bite them, instead recommending splicing their DNA with that of the spider in a similar way to that of Jeff Goldblum in hit sci-fi movie The Fly.

Peter Parkinson, a newspaper photographer from Croydon said: “I have the same job and basically the same name – just not the great power and subsequent great responsibility. I thought the false widow might be my ticket to awesome ninja skills and upside down kissing with hot women.

“Turns out all I’ve been left with is a slightly saw hand.”