Helpline launched for people who discover family & friends watch Love Island

The government has established a free helpline for people that find out their closest friends and relatives are watching Love Island.

Love Island 2018

“If I was an emoji, I’d be the Collapse of Western Civilisation.”

The ITV reality show — in which facile representations of the human condition attempt to copulate on television in order to boost their social media ‘brands’ — has already affected millions of people, with unsuspecting members of the British public being subjected to inane conversations about ‘whether or not Samira is going to get with Niall after the recoupling’, as well as being asked ‘can you believe what Hayley said about Dani last night in the beach hut?’

“It’s really important for people to feel as though they fit in with their family and peer groups,” said Dr Robert Vicars, a Professor of Human Beings & Geese at the University of Hull.

“It can therefore be an acute psychological trauma to discover that not only do you have much less in common with your social circles than you thought, but that they actively enjoy consuming television that is the intellectual equivalent of ingesting a gallon of battery acid.”

Chloe Mayo, a collector of rare beards who exclusively watches BBC 4 documentaries about renaissance-era poets and ancient Roman coinage, said: “During the Brexit referendum an old school friend of mine posted a Facebook update talking about how important it was for us to ‘take back control of our borders’ and that ‘Britain should be for the British’, which was pretty disappointing really.

“But then earlier this week she shared a selfie with the caption: ‘Can’t wait for tonight’s Love Island’.

“I just replied with ‘Eat a bag of dicks’ and unfriended her. I can’t believe someone I used to know so well would hold those opinions.”

Helpline operators will also be offering support to people whose loved ones like Mrs Browns’s Boys, think Made in Chelsea is aspirational or have Don’t Tell the Bride on series-link.