Think Outside the News Special: Potential Jeremy Clarkson replacements revealed

Clarkson, May, Hammond

Following the decision to not review Jeremy Clarkson’s contract when it expires at the end of next month, the BBC are preparing for an exhaustive talent search to seek out the next presenters of their most successful export, Top Gear.

Here at Think Outside the Box we have had a sneak peak at the list of potential replacements, and we are now able to bring you a world exclusive – yes, WORLD EXCLUSIVE – having thoroughly checked our information with absolutely nobody.

Jonathan Ross & Russell Brand

Do they know anything about cars? Probably not, but then Top Gear hasn’t offered anything resembling intelligent and thoughtful automotive conversation for years.

What Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand do offer however is guaranteed lad-bants, something which might otherwise be in short supply when the trio of Clarkson, May and Hammond departs. Possible features of the show if fronted by the two former BBC stars would include laughing hysterically at the expense of audience members wearing trainers with Go-Faster stripes and calling up pensioners to tell them that their loved ones have died in a car crash.

Gordon Ramsey

Possibly best known for Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares in which he aggressively swears at and intimidates humble seaside café owners whenever he’s annoyed, confused or hungry, Ramsey would appear to be the perfect replacement for Jeremy Clarkson. He may lack the humour, wit or Jack-the-Lad like-ability of Clarkson and Co., but at least he’s perhaps the most likely to give the Top Gear producers the beating that the show’s fans think they deserve.

The Test Card Girl and her terrifying, quadriplegic clown

Test Card Girl

Emotionless & dead-eyed car reviews from 2-6am

It’s been a few years since they were on the TV, but this bizarre late night double act represent traditional BBC values. Whether those values involve casual racism and spontaneous violence is unclear, but the pair should at least remind viewers of a simpler time, when you could drive a car without wearing a seat belt, leave your doors unlocked at night and walk down the street without being blown up by a terrorist or raped by a radio DJ.

Joe Swash

This hasn’t been officially rumoured – he’s just on fucking everything.

The Ghost of Enoch Powell

A left-field choice certainly, but the restless spirit of the former Conservative MP would at least provide that “Doesn’t Give a Shit” character trait that made Clarkson so popular. If his infamous ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech taught us anything about Enoch Powell, it’s that he isn’t afraid to say what he thinks, and that’s exactly the sort of quality that would come in handy when reviewing the design and manufacture of a shoddy family hatchback by some lazy Spic or slitty-eyed Chinaman.

His salary shouldn’t be too expensive, although the BBC would have to stump up for a team of witch doctors and Shaman to capture his demonic soul in a glass orb.

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Think Outside the News: Survey reveals 86% would let Jeremy Clarkson shag their mum

More than four-fifths of the British public would still want the BBC to reinstate Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson even if he shagged their mum, a new study has found.

Despite indulging in casual racism, punching people in the face and generally acting like an arsehole for years, a petition in support of Clarkson has garnered one million signatures.

Jeremy-Clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson: Probably doing your mum.

Rob Vicars, a Tonka Truck collector and Jeremy Clarkson fan said: “So what if he punched someone in the face? He’s bloody hilarious. Like when he calls Mexicans lazy or recites racist nursery rhymes. What has this country come to if we can’t give the freedom to do whatever the fuck you like to the richest and most influential people in society?”

Other celebrities that respondents considered to be above the law included Terry Wogan, Bez from the Happy Mondays and former Match of the Day presenter Des Lynam.

“It’s political correctness gone mad,” said Rebecca Dudley, a casual racist from Northampton, before wandering off to throw rocks at other rocks.

The study also found that 52% would let Jeremy Clarkson spit on their shoes, and that 24% would let him kick their nan in the shins.