Helpline launched for people who discover family & friends watch Love Island

The government has established a free helpline for people that find out their closest friends and relatives are watching Love Island.

Love Island 2018

“If I was an emoji, I’d be the Collapse of Western Civilisation.”

The ITV reality show — in which facile representations of the human condition attempt to copulate on television in order to boost their social media ‘brands’ — has already affected millions of people, with unsuspecting members of the British public being subjected to inane conversations about ‘whether or not Samira is going to get with Niall after the recoupling’, as well as being asked ‘can you believe what Hayley said about Dani last night in the beach hut?’

“It’s really important for people to feel as though they fit in with their family and peer groups,” said Dr Robert Vicars, a Professor of Human Beings & Geese at the University of Hull.

“It can therefore be an acute psychological trauma to discover that not only do you have much less in common with your social circles than you thought, but that they actively enjoy consuming television that is the intellectual equivalent of ingesting a gallon of battery acid.”

Chloe Mayo, a collector of rare beards who exclusively watches BBC 4 documentaries about renaissance-era poets and ancient Roman coinage, said: “During the Brexit referendum an old school friend of mine posted a Facebook update talking about how important it was for us to ‘take back control of our borders’ and that ‘Britain should be for the British’, which was pretty disappointing really.

“But then earlier this week she shared a selfie with the caption: ‘Can’t wait for tonight’s Love Island’.

“I just replied with ‘Eat a bag of dicks’ and unfriended her. I can’t believe someone I used to know so well would hold those opinions.”

Helpline operators will also be offering support to people whose loved ones like Mrs Browns’s Boys, think Made in Chelsea is aspirational or have Don’t Tell the Bride on series-link.


Think Outside the News: Back to the Future Part II to be reclassified from satire to political biopic

Biff Tannen as Trump

Popular sci-fi sequel Back to the Future Part II — in which a wild-haired megalomaniac seizes power and transforms America into a lawless dystopia — is to be reconsidered by film critics as a historical biopic.

The plot follows Marty McFly and Doc Brown as they attempt to thwart the wealthy and corrupt womaniser Biff Tannen, who was acquired his undeserved wealth by stealing the DeLorean. Biff proceeds to use his money exclusively for quenching his own thirst for despotic power and hot pieces of ass.

For a long time thought to be a lighthearted and satirical family film, the second instalment of the BTTF trilogy will instead be placed alongside Schindler’s List, Hotel Rwanda and The Killing Fields as a dark and disturbing depiction of real life events.

Biff portrait

“I used to love watching Back to the Future Part II as the fantastical piece of escapism I thought it was but, now it turns out to have been true all along, I feel like I need to go back and consider it with the seriousness it deserves,” said Rebecca Dudley, a human woman from Northampton.

The movie’s director Robert Zemeckis said: “I was surprised when we were overlooked for the ‘Best Picture’ Oscar in 1990 — they usually lap this biography stuff up.

“I mean for God’s sake, that was the year Dead Poet’s Society got nominated, and that was bloody awful.’

Historians are now planning to scour the history books to double-check whether or not William Wallace was actually an anti-semitic Australian, and that the entire Jurassic era wasn’t actually just a theme park.

Think Outside the News Special: Potential Jeremy Clarkson replacements revealed

Clarkson, May, Hammond

Following the decision to not review Jeremy Clarkson’s contract when it expires at the end of next month, the BBC are preparing for an exhaustive talent search to seek out the next presenters of their most successful export, Top Gear.

Here at Think Outside the Box we have had a sneak peak at the list of potential replacements, and we are now able to bring you a world exclusive – yes, WORLD EXCLUSIVE – having thoroughly checked our information with absolutely nobody.

Jonathan Ross & Russell Brand

Do they know anything about cars? Probably not, but then Top Gear hasn’t offered anything resembling intelligent and thoughtful automotive conversation for years.

What Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand do offer however is guaranteed lad-bants, something which might otherwise be in short supply when the trio of Clarkson, May and Hammond departs. Possible features of the show if fronted by the two former BBC stars would include laughing hysterically at the expense of audience members wearing trainers with Go-Faster stripes and calling up pensioners to tell them that their loved ones have died in a car crash.

Gordon Ramsey

Possibly best known for Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares in which he aggressively swears at and intimidates humble seaside café owners whenever he’s annoyed, confused or hungry, Ramsey would appear to be the perfect replacement for Jeremy Clarkson. He may lack the humour, wit or Jack-the-Lad like-ability of Clarkson and Co., but at least he’s perhaps the most likely to give the Top Gear producers the beating that the show’s fans think they deserve.

The Test Card Girl and her terrifying, quadriplegic clown

Test Card Girl

Emotionless & dead-eyed car reviews from 2-6am

It’s been a few years since they were on the TV, but this bizarre late night double act represent traditional BBC values. Whether those values involve casual racism and spontaneous violence is unclear, but the pair should at least remind viewers of a simpler time, when you could drive a car without wearing a seat belt, leave your doors unlocked at night and walk down the street without being blown up by a terrorist or raped by a radio DJ.

Joe Swash

This hasn’t been officially rumoured – he’s just on fucking everything.

The Ghost of Enoch Powell

A left-field choice certainly, but the restless spirit of the former Conservative MP would at least provide that “Doesn’t Give a Shit” character trait that made Clarkson so popular. If his infamous ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech taught us anything about Enoch Powell, it’s that he isn’t afraid to say what he thinks, and that’s exactly the sort of quality that would come in handy when reviewing the design and manufacture of a shoddy family hatchback by some lazy Spic or slitty-eyed Chinaman.

His salary shouldn’t be too expensive, although the BBC would have to stump up for a team of witch doctors and Shaman to capture his demonic soul in a glass orb.

Think Outside the News: Survey reveals 86% would let Jeremy Clarkson shag their mum

More than four-fifths of the British public would still want the BBC to reinstate Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson even if he shagged their mum, a new study has found.

Despite indulging in casual racism, punching people in the face and generally acting like an arsehole for years, a petition in support of Clarkson has garnered one million signatures.


Jeremy Clarkson: Probably doing your mum.

Rob Vicars, a Tonka Truck collector and Jeremy Clarkson fan said: “So what if he punched someone in the face? He’s bloody hilarious. Like when he calls Mexicans lazy or recites racist nursery rhymes. What has this country come to if we can’t give the freedom to do whatever the fuck you like to the richest and most influential people in society?”

Other celebrities that respondents considered to be above the law included Terry Wogan, Bez from the Happy Mondays and former Match of the Day presenter Des Lynam.

“It’s political correctness gone mad,” said Rebecca Dudley, a casual racist from Northampton, before wandering off to throw rocks at other rocks.

The study also found that 52% would let Jeremy Clarkson spit on their shoes, and that 24% would let him kick their nan in the shins.

Think Outside the News: Michael Bay to direct 3D Super Ted reboot

Continuing his efforts to rape your childhood and impregnate it with misogyny and explosions, Michael Bay is to shoot a big screen re-imagining of Super Ted, Think Outside the News can exclusively reveal.

Following the success of the Transformers franchise and the recent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot, both of which managed to turn cherished childhood memories into nothing but vapid amoral husks, Bay is hoping to do the same with Britain’s favourite super hero teddy bear.

Super Ted logo

Kids’ animation Super Ted – having its soul removed and replaced by product placement and tits.

It is anticipated that the plot will see Super Ted and his alien sidekick Spotty trying to thwart an attack on the Victoria Secret catwalk show by an alien race of fire-breathing robot dinosaurs, lizards, or possibly a combination of the two.

“What I think I like most about Michael Bay’s movies is that they don’t bother trying to engage with you on any sort of emotional or intellectual level,” said Rob Vicars, who isn’t anyone in particular.

“The baddies are bad, the goodies are good and the women are nothing more than hyper-sexualised window dressing. It’s how cinema would be if it was produced by Zoo or Nuts magazine, which happen to be my favourite books.”

“Fnnnnaaaaaaraaghh”, spluttered Bay incoherently while he banged a plastic bucket with a wooden spoon.

It has been rumoured that Michael Bay will also be helming the forthcoming ‘In the Night Garden: Clusterfuck of Revenge’.

Think Outside the News: John Lewis to offer salty human tears to Cthulhu

National retailer of clothing, home wares and saccharine festive sentiment John Lewis plans to offer up the tears of men, women and children to an evil alien deity who is part-man, part-dragon and part-octopus.

The unveiling of John Lewis’ latest Christmas advertising campaign – telling the story of a little boy and his pet penguin Monty – triggered a national outpouring of emotion that hasn’t been seen since Woolworth’s went bust.

However a company insider has revealed that the advert will be used by John Lewis to siphon off the tears of British people in a bid to appease Cthulhu, the demonic God who continues to prop up the retail giant.

“No one can afford to pay £120 for a lamp anymore, but our profits soared by 62% this year, and that was all down to last year’s Christmas ad with the Hare and the Bear. That generated gallons of human tears for Cthulhu,” explained the insider.

“Unfortunately the 2012 campaign didn’t do as well and so we had to feed him Katie Melua, but we’re really confident that this year we’ve got an advert that is going to create enough emotional energy to sate Cthulhu’s appetite for the whole of 2015.”

Early reaction to the advert from the British public has been encouraging for John Lewis, with many commenting on how the optimal combination of children, animals and soft-focus cinematography has reduced them to a babbling wreck.

“It just evokes so many emotions it’s hard to watch it and then continue to function as a rational, reasonable human being without collapsing into hysterics and guttural moans” said Tom McShane, Professor of Potato and Parsnip studies at Nuneaten Community College.

“What I like about the John Lewis adverts most is that they remind you of what Christmas is all about: family, love and generosity; rather than rampant commercialism and spending hundreds of pounds you can’t afford on over-priced, pretentious products.”

It has been rumoured that John Lewis’ 2015 Christmas advert will feature an African village taught how to love each other by a recovering meth addict and his stuffed elephant.


Think Outside the News: ITV to launch channel aimed exclusively at black people

Fresh from the news that ITV is to launch a television channel aimed at younger women and ‘housewives with children’, the network has announced that it will also be launching a channel targeted specifically at the black community.

ITVBro will screen repeats of The Montel Williams Show, Wayan Brothers movies at the weekends and a Coronation Street spin-off, Coronation Street. The channel will air during the day – when it is presumed black people are at home – until 7p.m., by which time the network expect them all to be “out roaming the streets, intimidating white people and robbing from houses.”

ITVBe & ITVBro - Because they know what's best for you

ITVBe & ITVBro – Because they know what’s best for you

“It’s really important that we stay relevant to all different walks of life and ethnicities, and for us, this means segregating different demographics into clearly defined boxes” said Peter Fincham, ITV’s Director of Television.

“We’re proud of our continuing work towards gender and racial equality, and we feel that  ITVBe is a big step forward for women in television, and that ITVBro will be an equally important step forward for Coloureds.”

The network are hoping that with the introduction of the new channels catering for lower class and ethnic people, they will be able to focus ITV1’s output on white, middle-class people.

“I really enjoy settling down on a Sunday evening for a bit of Mr. Selfridge or Downton Abbey with a cup of tea and a scone,” said Angela Fotherington, a cheeseboard arranger from Tunbridge Wells.

“I’m not racist, but I’d just really prefer not to see adverts for Trevor Nelson compilation albums or Reggae Reggae Sauce when I’m trying to eat.”

However ITV’s Chief Executive Adam Crozier insisted that viewers would continue to see black people on ITV’s main channels.

“We of course want to continue to use black actors in our ITV1 programming,” said Crozier.

“After all, who else is going to play housekeepers, drug dealers or illegal immigrants?”