National retailer of clothing, home wares and saccharine festive sentiment John Lewis plans to offer up the tears of men, women and children to an evil alien deity who is part-man, part-dragon and part-octopus.
The unveiling of John Lewis’ latest Christmas advertising campaign – telling the story of a little boy and his pet penguin Monty – triggered a national outpouring of emotion that hasn’t been seen since Woolworth’s went bust.
However a company insider has revealed that the advert will be used by John Lewis to siphon off the tears of British people in a bid to appease Cthulhu, the demonic God who continues to prop up the retail giant.
“No one can afford to pay £120 for a lamp anymore, but our profits soared by 62% this year, and that was all down to last year’s Christmas ad with the Hare and the Bear. That generated gallons of human tears for Cthulhu,” explained the insider.
“Unfortunately the 2012 campaign didn’t do as well and so we had to feed him Katie Melua, but we’re really confident that this year we’ve got an advert that is going to create enough emotional energy to sate Cthulhu’s appetite for the whole of 2015.”
Early reaction to the advert from the British public has been encouraging for John Lewis, with many commenting on how the optimal combination of children, animals and soft-focus cinematography has reduced them to a babbling wreck.
“It just evokes so many emotions it’s hard to watch it and then continue to function as a rational, reasonable human being without collapsing into hysterics and guttural moans” said Tom McShane, Professor of Potato and Parsnip studies at Nuneaten Community College.
“What I like about the John Lewis adverts most is that they remind you of what Christmas is all about: family, love and generosity; rather than rampant commercialism and spending hundreds of pounds you can’t afford on over-priced, pretentious products.”
It has been rumoured that John Lewis’ 2015 Christmas advert will feature an African village taught how to love each other by a recovering meth addict and his stuffed elephant.