Following a rather excessive two month Christmas/New Year break from posting anything – during which time TOTB descended into a fairly extreme acid-induced festive hellscape where half-human, half-reindeer creatures marauded the land enslaving the population (never EVER take LSD while watching The One Show’s Christmas Special) – we return to a world that is just as bereft of hope and optimism as the nightmarish unreality we have just emerged from.
Yes, the ‘post-Awards Season’ Season is very much upon us, and my word did we find it hard to bring together a collection of trailers that would encourage only mild feelings despair.
The Lego Movie, released 14th February 2014
Hand’s up who didn’t love Lego when they were a kid?
You there, with your hand up, take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. Now jab yourself in the eye.
Lego is awesome, but the obvious question to ask when you first hear about a Lego movie is ‘why, exactly?’ That being said, this film does look like it might be some fun – even for grown-up versions of humans – and it is worth noting that the Lego videogames have proven very popular.
Winter’s Tale, released 21st February 2014
IMDB.com’s synopsis of Winter’s Tale, describes it as thus:
“A burglar falls for an heiress as she dies in his arms. When he learns that he has the gift of reincarnation, he sets out to save her.”
It’s fair to say that Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe’s latest vehicle sounds pretty saccharine, but just wait until you watch the trailer, which offers up some of the cheesiest dialogue we’ve ever had the misfortune of listening to. It is a veritable cheese board in fact.
Our highlights include:
“What’s the best thing you’ve ever stolen?”
“I’m beginning to think I haven’t stolen it yet”
“Is it possible to love someone so completely they simply can’t die?”
No. No it’s not.
300: Rise of an Empire, released 7th March 2014
Set in the aftermath of the first film, 300: Rise of an Empire is director Noam Murro’s first major release with previous helmsman Zack Snyder shifting to a producer role, and although it looks stylistically at least much like the successful first film, we can’t shake the feeling that this will prove to be an absolute turkey.
In terms of the action and battle sequences the blood and guts all seem to be present and correct, but it does help for that action to be punctuated by some half-decent narrative. We won’t be holding our breath.
Noah, released 4th April 2014
You’d never really have thought of the story of Noah making for a great film – not unless you’re really into nature or the inevitable inter-family relations – but it looks as though Darren Aronofsky has looked to sex things up a bit with an angry Ray Winstone and fighting and stuff. There’s even water flowing out of the ground towards the end of the trailer, so God must have been really pissed.
There wasn’t even the internet back then so the global population must have been really debauched. Nowadays we can legalise gay marriage, sexualise everyone that is old enough to stand up and watch all the porn we like and all that happens is Cornwall gets a bit flooded.
It must be a more liberal God now, like the Pope. Amen.