Think Outside the News: Nigella drug-use allegations shocks literally dozens of people

Allegations that a wealthy, upper-class celebrity like Nigella Lawson took drugs including cocaine and cannabis has shocked almost nobody.

Ms. Lawson’s former husband Charles Saatchi made the claims in an e-mail that was read out in court during the trial of two of the couple’s former aids, although the revelations have been greeted with a “well no-fucking shit” by the majority of the public.

Nigella Lawson at a Borders book-signing

The celebrity chef is currently preparing for her new show, ‘Nigella’s LSD Kitchen Nightmares’.

“To be honest I spend every spare penny I have on weed and pills so I’m not surprised someone with a fortune of £15 million is on it every day,” said Rob Vicars, an Acid House DJ from London.

“After a heavy session I regularly end up in the kitchen rustling up some pastry while tripping my tits off. Admittedly I usually just end up gnawing on a chair leg, but pastry is fucking hard to get right.”

However, research conducted by the Tunbridge Wells Parish Newsletter revealed many people were outraged by the news.

“I’m astonished that a lady of her standing would do such things,” said Margaret Hymen-Hall, a 63-year old china plate enthusiast. “I thought drug taking was the indulgence of the poor or brown people – not the daughter of a former Chancellor of the Exchequer.

“It’s something I might expect from Jamie Oliver but not Nigella.”

The entire working population of London’s financial district were reported to be whistling and looking at the sky.