Think Outside the News: Desire to “become Spider-Man” blamed on recent False Widow attacks

British people are purposefully seeking out false widow spiders so that they will bite them and imbue them with super powers, it has been revealed.

There have been numerous media reports of the spiders – who bare a close resemblance to the deadly black widow – biting unsuspecting members of the public who are just going about their business, but the victims have admitted that they deliberately aggravated the arachnids in a bid to become Spider-Man.

Anaphylactic shock: not a super power.

Anaphylactic shock: not a super power.

“I’ve been mocked all my life for my unusual name and the fact that it makes me sound like a shit super-hero. I just thought that if I could scale walls and swing around people would see me differently,” said Barry Beardman, 32 from Coventry

However, scientists have advised people against allowing the false widows to bite them, instead recommending splicing their DNA with that of the spider in a similar way to that of Jeff Goldblum in hit sci-fi movie The Fly.

Peter Parkinson, a newspaper photographer from Croydon said: “I have the same job and basically the same name – just not the great power and subsequent great responsibility. I thought the false widow might be my ticket to awesome ninja skills and upside down kissing with hot women.

“Turns out all I’ve been left with is a slightly saw hand.”


 

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