This is only the second edition of Tales from the Other side, but it feels like we have already uncovered some of the ugliest recesses of television. Frankly if such thing as a neural scrub existed it is safe to say that TOTB would be investing in one.
We start our latest adventure in South Carolina at Myrtle Manor, which is the sort of show that gets you to consider what you’re doing with your life after just 3 minutes, thanks to a combination of mind-numbing banality and embarrassingly obvious fictional narratives.
For those of you unable to watch that 4 minute video without suffering a brain hemorrhage, Betty is the landlord of the trailer park whose residents include the likes of Jared – who wears a baseball cap with a propeller on it – and TV jingle writer Roger, AKA Bandit. It’s such a horrific way to spend an hour of your life it is hard to know where to start with it, and we’re not sure what’s worse, either someone thinking that creating these characters was a good idea or that they actually exist.
It’s the kind of TV that leaves you needing to cleanse the soul, and what better way to do it than with random pictures of aesthetically pleasing buildings accompanied by operatic musical concertos? Well that’s exactly what the Landscape Channel on Information TV is all about.
Tonight’s edition features the Chateau de Chenonceau alongside a rousing piece of music by Handel. Who’s watching this sort of thing is anybody’s guess, but it’s something that Information TV feels warrants a whopping FOUR HOURS of running time from 11 p.m. to 3 a.m.
It might be exceptionally dull but at least it doesn’t make you want to gouge out your own eyes with table spoons in quite the same way as Quints by Surprise on Home & Health. This televisual equivalent of being talked at by an irritatingly earnest mother at a bus stop follows the lives of the Jones family after the unexpected arrival (does anyone ever ‘expect’ quintuplets?) of five babies.
Casey Jones is described by her husband as having been “born to be a mom” – which presumably means she was too stupid or lazy to do anything that requires more than simply having a uterus – while Ethan Jones himself apparently wasn’t meant to be a parent as the couple required a sperm donor and intrauterine insemination to conceive. Who gives a shit about ‘God’s Plan’ anyway?
The highlights of this episode included eldest child Eliot getting a cactus pine stuck in her foot and the decision to put the babies to bed at a different time than usual. Suddenly Myrtle Manor seems like The fucking Wire.